Bullies

As long as I can remember, I have always been one to stand up against bullying. My auntie growing up would always refer to me as my sister’s lawyer. My sister and I are a year and half apart. Growing up we were treated like twins however, she was the one that always tested the limits and I was the one that always came to her defense when she got in trouble. My brother who is 13 years older than me tells me I have been like that since I was a baby. He says, I always look out and protected my sister even though she is older than me!

It is in my blood and I can feel it in my veins when I witness situations of bullying. There is no way that I could watch someone or something get bullied and not innately want to protect the underdog. I am a protector especially when it involves people I love and care about. I definitely am EXTREMELY protective!! Don’t confuse protective with POSSESSIVE. They are very different. I am not possessive, but protective? Yes!

Two things inspired this blog: one I read an article on how seals are dominating penguins and sexually assaulting them. This REALLY upset me! I realized I immediately felt like I wanted to save the penguins and that this was not right as I hope everyone would feel!! Second, it made me realize I personally am being bullied at work and I never thought of it as bullying until my manager called it that.

I like to believe I am a tough skinned person. I don’t like to show emotion that makes ME feel like I am being perceived as a weak person as I assume most people feel the same way. It’s an ego thing. I’m working on it. However, I realize this in my work situation.

A couple of charge nurses on my unit pick on me regularly. I always justify it to myself by telling myself its because they know I am good at what I do and they are “testing” me. I am the youngest nurse on my floor. These charge nurses are much older; one in her 40’s the other in her 50’s. They have been nurses for at least 20 years. Nurses are notorious for “eating their young”. I have been victim to “eating their young” when I was a new grad nurse. However, 5 years later, the “eating their young” is on a WHOLE different level when it comes to me on this unit.

The problem is, I see everything as a challenge. So when they purposely give me hard assignments I make sure to do everything to the T and go above and beyond the expectation because I will never give them a chance to have anything to nit pick on. This is my ego. I realize it. When they throw curve balls at me or switch things up last minute I will politely question them to let them know I’m on to what they are doing and when the refuse to budge on the decision I do it but make sure to do it better than anyone else could possibly do it.

Bottom line, they make me FEEL like they want to see me in distress or fail. Therefore, my ego kicks in and I register it as a challenge and I like to win. So that is exactly what happens and it is a reoccurring theme. It’s interesting because I am actually a very softhearted; go with flow type of person but its interesting how different people bring out different aspects of who you are as a person.

Given that, this passed Monday was my breaking point; I realized it did not register as a challenge anymore but as an attack because I simply was SICK of the bullsh*t they put me through every time I am at work. I was simply tired of “proving” that I can handle whatever they throw at me.

Consequently, when I arrived to work on Monday and they had changed my entire assignment from Sunday for no legitimate reason and refused to change it back I was FUMING. Literally, if I were a dragon, I would have spit fire on them in that moment! It took EVERY once of me to keep my composure, remain professional, and get out of the huddle room and straight to the bathroom.

I was SO upset it made me cry. Then I became more upset at myself that I let them get so far under my skin to make me cry. However, I was SO happy I didn’t let them SEE me cry. There is my ego again. Crying = weakness. I know this is not a true statement however, I am aware that for whatever reason this is how I am wired.  

Long story short, once I got it together in the bathroom and regained composure I came out and had a “professional” conversation with this charge nurse stating that I did not agree with her decision to change my assignment and she gave me bullsh*t reasons as to why she changed my assignment and I countered with evidence that nullified both reasons she gave me for changing my assignment and informed her I would be telling our unit director (the manager of the entire unit) of this incident.

I spoke with my manager on Thursday informing her of what happened explaining I am not expecting her to come to my defense or mitigate the situation because I handled it right then and there but to inform her so that she is aware because I have had several meetings like this with her informing her of things that felt like injustices to me on the unit by the same two nurses. They gang up on me.

It was my manager that said to me word for word, “Norah, I don’t know why I haven’t done anything about this but I have thought about it several times and it is clear you get bullied. Several people have noticed it, not just you and I”. I kind of just sat there thinking, “hmm…I never really thought of it as bullying” but in reality it is. It doesn’t feel good and even worse I registered it as a challenge.

I realize that this behavior from the charge nurses stems from them feeling threatened by me for whatever reason. The truth is, I do not want their job. My plans for my career and myself are VERY different from what they have envisioned for themselves. However, they are entitled to their feelings. The thing that blows my mind is that I am not a threatening person. I am SO nice.  I am adaptable, ALWAYS offering and volunteering to help my coworkers and my coworkers know and feel comfortable coming to me for help. The biggest kicker is, these two charge nurses ALSO know they can rely on me and DO rely on me and call on me to help my coworkers OFTEN! Regardless if I’m busy, these charge nurses and my coworkers know I will MAKE time to help. I make a conscious effort to keep a positive attitude, to smile, to laugh because there is nothing worse than that ONE toxic person that complains about EVERYTHING! Everyone knows or has worked with one of those.

It’s ok to vent! But when you are the person that EVERYDAY is a bad day. EVERYDAY it’s a bad assignment. EVERYDAY someone is out to get you. I’m sorry to break it to you, but YOU are the problem. Not the day, not the assignment, not everyone else.

Moral of the story, I am extremely protective of the underdog in ALL situations however; I have difficulty realizing when I am the underdog and efficiently protecting myself.

I am learning…maybe that is why I am a nurse…

Until next time,

Norah